you know that scene where...

it seems my mind is full with movie/television quotes. Sometimes I think I'm incapable of creating my own valid, insightful quote. Anyone can sputter a random group of words out of their mouth and make them sound intelligent. I guess whatever floats your boat. I seems that in my quest for originality, I end up back where I started. And now that I'm in the boat of unoriginality, I start rowing back to the shores of uncertainty. There are so many things in life that I'd rather not "have to do" such as pursue an education or drive to the grocery store. I would not like lay in bed all day either or read the latest newspaper article. Who cares about being up to date on current events? Why does it really matter? I know I'm an apprenticing journalist and I "should keep in touch with what happened today because it's part of my job" but...in the end, after it is all said and done, what did I really do? I guess I'll find out then. But I still know that I'll be spending eternity with the One who saved me from this world. And that my friends is an astonishing reassurance that I can rest on.

and as I read this over, I don't see how it ties together but are blogs really supposed to? who read them anyway?


Godspeed,

words of a skeptical optimist

is it really what I want?

I can't pass judgment on today simply because it was only the first day. I can tell you however that I have never felt more alone in a long time until today. At lunch, everyone was supposed to go to the field and grab a sandwich. I went with the hope of perhaps meeting someone and that did not happen. I guess I lack the courage to interact with stangers. Then I asked myself this question, "Is it such a big ordeal to walk to up to somebody and say "Hey, how are you"? Well to me it is. I was terrified. Everyone is nervous yes, but not like me. My insecurity comes out of me like sweat. I really do want to hang out with new people but I'd rather not do all the pre-friendship stuff. Tomorrow I have a chance to make new friends. The journalism classes are going to the Frinc Centre and are to spend the day getting to know each other. I'm fine with that. We're carpooling to go there and I'm bringing our car. Most likely I'll play some cool hip music so that whoever rides with me think I'm cool. Very junior-highesh in my opinion but hey, whatever. I miss my family and friends.

sean

here on the verge

here I am. Underneath everything, I am honestly anxious and frightened about what tomorrow holds in store. You see I am going to college again. This time I'm going to be studying Print Journalism. Why? I don't really know yet, maybe for the neat status of being a "journalist". I respond to people who ask what I want to do with it that I want to fuse both my love for music and writing together and see what becomes of it but really, I'm just a fellow human trying to make his own way in this world. I feel like I'm walking through a valley that I've created. My mountains are "what I should do" and my path is flithy with doubt and fear. This leads to the cave of uncertainty. My clouds are grey with animosity towards the very institute that will teach me. I don't know why I feel this way. I guess I'd rather be spending time with close friends and family, learning from them. I'd like to go on adventures to exotic regions around the globe or go to any band concert I want. An education and money really determine a lot in our secular world today. It's too bad. If only those people would realize that everything in this world will not last. At least I know that much. Take that thought with you today.

sean

what a wonderful weekend

oh I had the greatest time in a long time this weekend. I just want to state that I love (in no particular order), Jay, Luke and Matt. Remember the flying fox? More like the flying caterpillar! Also trying to jump up onto a bar which I sadly and hilariously enough could not make everytime. I thouroughly enjoyed hiding when Nicki and Nic-kol-la (haha) came back from Tim Hortons. Sneaking around is well...sneaky. The next day was wonderful as well. What can I say? Chumleighs, Stinky Bizarro Chumleighs, parousing around downtown Belleville with true blue buddies and of course creating Jay's costume (Luke, all I have to say is FELT). Which reminds me, can you pick up a Red Gold Plated Crown with the words inscribed "I'm Yo King"? Thanks! All of us later went back to Matt's house to fellowship with eachother. Dinner was good and so was the rest of the stuff ;). We stayed up way too late watching friends season 2 but it was still fun. I really enjoyed talking with Luke late last night. I always felt comfortable with him. I love ya man! My wife and her best friend Nicole stayed at our place while I hung out the night at the Mackays. The first night apart! Egads. ehhhhh it was ok.

well till then,

sean

paranoid humanoid

i hear i'm paranoid. the voice tells me that inside my head. it doesn't take much to send me flying into absurdity. it's just that i'm scared. scared of this life. i shouldn't be really, i've got God to depend on and trust in but i wonder if i know if thats enough. deep down i know it is. my beautiful wife made a brilliant comment today (edited now due to lack of memoire) - why should i worry about serving man? it doesn't get me anywhere. why should i worry about pleasing other people because they're most likely giving me advice so that they can hear themselves talk and they will ALL have a different opinion. so what's a man to believe? God is that HOLY and DIVINE answer. He's all I will ever need so how come doubting sean does not believe? (pardon the third-person dialect). I was watching boy meets world tonight and cory matthews made a good point about allegiance. whats the point of aligning yourself to some tradition or man if you don't know what it means? this in turn prompted the bigger question: what and who is my allegiance to? Jesus Christ? the internet? writing? music? government? surely not to democracy. i'm frustrated with myself and my inability to choose the right path although sometimes, just when it's quiet enough in my strident heart, and my eyes are clear, i hear Him, and I see Him saying, "Sean, my friend, I am at the door and I'm putting my sandals on your shoe rack". Jesus is real folks, real enough to bring me to tears. it was my lustful thoughts, my anger, my dislove for His people, that literally nailed Him. piercing through actual flesh and bone just so that I, Sean McMullen would have the chance to spend the rest of my life hanging out with Him. thats really something to think about. i know i think about it sometimes.

sean