convict

I am convicted.

Let me tell you why. This week, as I was driving my route for my job, Switchfoots’ latest album Oh! Gravity was spinning and a lyric from lead singer Jon Foreman struck me hard. In American Dream, the second track, he sings “I want to live and die for bigger things / I’m tired of just fighting for just me.”

That is a very ambitious statement. The absolute abandonment of serving yourself I liken to ripping a band-aid off long leg hair. It hurts and usually you pull it slowly off, hair by hair. Sigh, analogy is fun.

How then, does one move past the selfishness? Practicing humility? Thinking before you spend money on something for yourself? Praying for others first instead of complaining? It is easier to ask than to answer, I must confess.

Perhaps it is answering the call to help those in real material need or spiritual need. Both are issues we all struggle with and they can be difficult to identify initially. I suggest finding a specific area where your talents and skills can be used most effectively.

Or, imagine if you sold all your possessions, the things that make you, well, you. You know what I’m thinking about. Your music, your books, your whatever. The things you concentrate on instead of focusing on others. I’m not saying those things are bad to own. Far from it. But when they begin to take your full attention, it becomes a problem. Just give up on yourself for a minute, hour or day. See what happens.

Of course, this is all directed towards myself. If you are affected by these thoughts, good. I am by no means an authority figure on humility and I don’t want to be. I just want to live and die for bigger things than myself. It is a joy-producing idea. And it’s a good way to start living the rest of your life.

hello!?

The sheer rudeness of some people is astounding. 

Today, I uttered a kind "hello" to someone I am not particularly fond of because it was the thing people say to each other when they are in close quarters. Instead of having the word spoken back, I was looked in the eye by this person and then passed by. 

I stood in disbelief and then I wondered how some people can act that way.

Just wanted to share that.

Please share your story if you've encountered a similar situation. That way, we can feel vindicated or something.

moses

Before I begin, I admit that I don't know what I want to say exactly. So what I'm hoping for is a moment somewhere in the midst of my future verbal spillage that will pinpoint my intended thought. Ok, here it goes.

I am Moses. At least, I empathize greatly with the pre Red Sea parting Moses. The man who stammered his words, the man who murdered a man, the man who felt like his life lacked complete direction. I can relate to two of the aforementioned descriptors.

When confronted with a situation where I feel I am not in control or am strongly intimidated, my mouth dries up and I lose every thought in my head. I'm sure there are other people who have been through this but when it happens to me, it is a nightmare. I like to be in control of what's around me. I like knowing what my imminent future is. The moment I lose control or lose sight of it, is when my small world begins to implode. I don't know how to react properly yet to tough situations. In the past, I have lashed out in anger and made rash decisions. Reacting that way bothers me because it makes me look irresponsible or mentally unfit, which I'm not. I just wish I knew how to deal with people I honestly cannot stand to be around and I wish the nasty thoughts in my head about those people would disappear.

I struggle with humility. I feel that my job determines my self-worth which is also drastically wrong. A job is a job... right? I feel I was created for something much more so when I have to resort to a thankless job dealing with people I couldn't care less about, I often come home with my soul feeling distraught. I want to do something that actually matters. Some vocation where God can use me. People say this is a season Sean but I say no. I am done with this desert dry patch of my life and I want to walk in the water of the life God intended. Help me get there. Get me out of this. Be the burning bush. Help me to gain control over myself with Your power.

I am someone who needs a fixed date or a deadline because if I don't, I drift and wander until something bothers me enough to make an impulsive decision. I don't want that characteristic. I was to be a man of action, leadership and integrity. I want to work hard but only in the right setting. God is calling me to evangelize. I can feel it my bones. It is like a fire running through my veins. It scares the crap out of me because I don't know where to begin but I know I must. I want to make a difference for the kingdom. At the end of days, I want to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant." This life is short. It is temporary. We don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I better be ready.

ok. i'm posting now. good night. thank you for reading.

new demo song

www.myspace.com/ruthandsean - New demo song up! Check it out.

comfortable

I wrote a letter today. I sent it via email to The Chronicle Herald. I felt like yesterday's post was worth cropping down to 200 words in the hope of getting it published in the editorial/opinion section. It would be a relief to be published again because it has been tough not seeing my name in print anymore.

My brother and I are having a good time. We're playing Final Fantasy 12 (yep, we're nerds at heart) and then we will play a game of old school NBA Live 96 on my SNES. It should be a razz.

I'm trying to learn Final Cut Pro. It seems like it will be a challenge. I need to upload some video from our video camera and crop it but I have no sweet clue where to begin.

I look forward to blogging every night now. It releases my inner wild writer!