Before I begin, I admit that I don't know what I want to say exactly. So what I'm hoping for is a moment somewhere in the midst of my future verbal spillage that will pinpoint my intended thought. Ok, here it goes.
I am Moses. At least, I empathize greatly with the pre Red Sea parting Moses. The man who stammered his words, the man who murdered a man, the man who felt like his life lacked complete direction. I can relate to two of the aforementioned descriptors.
When confronted with a situation where I feel I am not in control or am strongly intimidated, my mouth dries up and I lose every thought in my head. I'm sure there are other people who have been through this but when it happens to me, it is a nightmare. I like to be in control of what's around me. I like knowing what my imminent future is. The moment I lose control or lose sight of it, is when my small world begins to implode. I don't know how to react properly yet to tough situations. In the past, I have lashed out in anger and made rash decisions. Reacting that way bothers me because it makes me look irresponsible or mentally unfit, which I'm not. I just wish I knew how to deal with people I honestly cannot stand to be around and I wish the nasty thoughts in my head about those people would disappear.
I struggle with humility. I feel that my job determines my self-worth which is also drastically wrong. A job is a job... right? I feel I was created for something much more so when I have to resort to a thankless job dealing with people I couldn't care less about, I often come home with my soul feeling distraught. I want to do something that actually matters. Some vocation where God can use me. People say this is a season Sean but I say no. I am done with this desert dry patch of my life and I want to walk in the water of the life God intended. Help me get there. Get me out of this. Be the burning bush. Help me to gain control over myself with Your power.
I am someone who needs a fixed date or a deadline because if I don't, I drift and wander until something bothers me enough to make an impulsive decision. I don't want that characteristic. I was to be a man of action, leadership and integrity. I want to work hard but only in the right setting. God is calling me to evangelize. I can feel it my bones. It is like a fire running through my veins. It scares the crap out of me because I don't know where to begin but I know I must. I want to make a difference for the kingdom. At the end of days, I want to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant." This life is short. It is temporary. We don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I better be ready.
ok. i'm posting now. good night. thank you for reading.