i hear i'm paranoid. the voice tells me that inside my head. it doesn't take much to send me flying into absurdity. it's just that i'm scared. scared of this life. i shouldn't be really, i've got God to depend on and trust in but i wonder if i know if thats enough. deep down i know it is. my beautiful wife made a brilliant comment today (edited now due to lack of memoire) - why should i worry about serving man? it doesn't get me anywhere. why should i worry about pleasing other people because they're most likely giving me advice so that they can hear themselves talk and they will ALL have a different opinion. so what's a man to believe? God is that HOLY and DIVINE answer. He's all I will ever need so how come doubting sean does not believe? (pardon the third-person dialect). I was watching boy meets world tonight and cory matthews made a good point about allegiance. whats the point of aligning yourself to some tradition or man if you don't know what it means? this in turn prompted the bigger question: what and who is my allegiance to? Jesus Christ? the internet? writing? music? government? surely not to democracy. i'm frustrated with myself and my inability to choose the right path although sometimes, just when it's quiet enough in my strident heart, and my eyes are clear, i hear Him, and I see Him saying, "Sean, my friend, I am at the door and I'm putting my sandals on your shoe rack". Jesus is real folks, real enough to bring me to tears. it was my lustful thoughts, my anger, my dislove for His people, that literally nailed Him. piercing through actual flesh and bone just so that I, Sean McMullen would have the chance to spend the rest of my life hanging out with Him. thats really something to think about. i know i think about it sometimes.